Saturday, November 17, 2012

Hard to make a deicison

Alice : Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat : That depends a good deal on where you want to go
Alice : I don't much care where
The Cheshire Cat : Then it doesn't matter which way you go
Alice : So long as I get somewhere
The Cheshire Cat : Oh you're sure to do that as long as you walk long enough

I like this quote. I think this quote kinda symbolizes how I feel right now. I feel like Alice. And the Cheshire Cat represent people around me. I mean this obviously which no contempt but only as a symbol of representation.

Its not that I don't know where I want to go. Its just I don't know what I want to do. Its as simple as that. 
I find that making us choose and decide at this young immature age is hardly fair. How will I know what I want to do in the future? How am I supposed to know what I wanna study or be? There isn't a list of all the occupations in the world where we can pick from. We only know what we've been exposed to. And so what happens if after I have been so thoroughly exposed, I still don't know what I wanna do? What happens then?

The fear of choosing the wrong thing. The fear of choosing the wrong profession or the wrong course. The fear of not being sufficiently qualified for something. The fear of not getting a place in the institute of your choice or the country of your choice. The fear of not getting where you want to be. The fear of disappointing your parents. The fear of disappointing yourself. The fear that your parents cannot support you. The fear of disappointment. The word fear is fear itself. There is so much fear and uncertainty around the future yet we are supposed to put all these fears aside and choose? Haven't people ever heard of the saying 'fear governs your mind and soul, rendering us useless'?

The raw feeling of being lost. It eats the insides of you and you feel utterly lost. The feeling of restlessness of not knowing what to do. No level of distraction can fully rid you of this feeling. Not knowing where you are going or which direction you are heading to is frustrating. Its not that I don't wanna decide. Its not that I am not listening to my heart or not using my head. Its merely as simple as I don't know what I wanna do. People have this misconception that I will wake up tomorrow and just tell them what I wanna do and what my decision is. Had I known the answer and gotten the enlightenment and inspiration, I would hardly be here writing this, instead I would be researching and finding out more information about my decision, no?

I feel like the man in the picture. I feel like I am being put in the middle of a cross road. And the signboard towering behind me is of no help. All around me I see roads, but to where? I cannot see the destination nor the end of the road from where I am standing no matter how much I squint my eyes. So how exactly can I choose which road to go to if I don't know where it leads to? Its not as simply as walking down and road and then realizing I took the wrong turn and start from this point again. As much as I wished it was, there is no such thing in reality.

Whichever road I choose, it will be path I traverse. No matter how hard or how difficult, how far or how bumpy, if it crosses oceans and river, jungles, hills and mountains, it is the path I choose therefore I will have to travel it till I reach the end of the road to my destination. I am not saying I cannot brace hardship, I believe hard times makes us stronger. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger no? I guess its the fact that I want to know, after travelling and suffering, falling, stumbling, picking myself up, having fun, laughing, crying and doing all that I can to reach my destination, I want to feel that my journey was worth it. That where I am is worth every single tear and laughter and sweat. That when I arrive and look around me, I feel is pride and satisfaction. I think these 2 feelings would be sufficient. I don't want any bit of regret. Its as simple as that.

'You need to decide what you wanna do'. Gosh. How ruthlessly these words have been thrown to me. I know I need to decide but there isn't a guidebook out there that tells you how to decide. We humans have guidebooks for everything. We have maps for foreign countries, lessons for foreign languages, sign boards of how to wash one hands, pamphlets to teach us how to use new gadgets, websites that show recipes, articles that offers instructions, guidance counsellors that tell us what to do, books that hold endless information, but there isn't anything out there that shows us how to find our way when we are lost or how to decide on the future for that matter. 

What happens then if we give in to expectations of others? Its not that I am forced to do anything. Its just when I don't know what I want to do, I turn to those closest to me for help. And everyone has their own views and perception and what happens if i give into these? If i choose to do what my parents want me to, how is that so wrong? Yes its not something I wanna do, but I don't have any other idea apart from what they have suggested, so why is it so wrong for me to do what they want me to?

'Do what you want to do'. Of course I will do what I wanna do. First and foremost I have to figure out what it is no? Gosh. Sometimes I feel like I am speaking and no one is listening. I tell them I don't know what I wanna do. So they try to help by giving me a lot of suggestions. Then I say I need to think. And I think and think and think and think but I come up with no conclusion. So I go back and say I don't know. See its not like I didn't make an effort, I did think, but I just can't decide. Its not that I am being indecisive but its a really important decision and many factors come into play. Then they start offering their opinions and views and ideas, so I accept them. Part of me has this perception, since I don't know what I wanna do, why not do something they have suggested? They here refers to those I am closest to like family. But part of me knows I don't wanna do what they are suggesting, but when I voice this out, the next question directed to me is, " So, what do you wanna do?" Gosh. I can list a lot of things I don't wanna do, but not what I wanna do. They say knowing if half the battle. Well I know a lot but it doesn't seem to help in any way.

Making a decision is hard. Its hard cause all these factors come into play. 
1. The cost. Can my parents pay for it? Is it right to accept their money? They work their whole lives to save up that sum of money and here I am going off to spend it. It hardly seems right. And what happens if some mishaps occur along the way? Will they have enough to pull through after setting aside such a vast sum of money for me? What about my siblings? They need the money too. And its really really really expensive to study. 

2. My results. Now its not that I am not smart or brilliant, its just I am an average student. I am not the type that comes out top of the year but I am near the top. But that comes with a lot of hard work. But then again its always hard no? I am not the type that breezes through my education cause I have photographic memory or cause I am super disciplined that I study 4 to 8 hours a day, I am like everyone else, I study when I have exams, play when I don't, rush to cram everything when exams dawn upon me. Basically I am worried my results don't qualify for where and what I choose to ( Note : I haven't made a decision but I am basing this on the suggestion my parents have given me instead ) cause they want all A's and there are about 100,000 people out there who will be applying for the same thing. If based on academic performance only, I have doubts as to where I stand in that 100,000.

3. Interests. My interests cover a very wide range. I like both arts and science. But there isn't a profession that allows me to combine these 2, well at least I haven't found one that interests me. I wanna do something I love. But I am also the kind of person who will learn to love my job even if I might hate it at first. It is this character of mine, that makes me more open to suggestions from others but also makes me more easily swayed cause I am not rooted to the ground. 

Here I am rambling about how hard it is to decide but at the end of the day a decision still needs to be made. A decision about where I wanna go, what I wanna do, when I wanna start, still needs to made. I read books about finding one's self, about the struggles of growing up, about the lives of other people in hope to get an insight of how people choose but so far I've no success. I listen to music, to songs about love, joy, success, disappointment, heart breaks, friends, family and hope but none of these seem to get through to me and give me the sense of inspiration I need. 

I even made a picture with my favourite quote yet it doesn't seem to have the inspiring effect it used to on me. 

I've talked to my peers, my seniors, my teachers, my parents, my family and yet here I am at a loss of what to do. Maybe I fear I will make the wrong decision but who doesn't? Maybe I already know the answer but I am too afraid to voice it out. Gosh. I turn to God with prayer in hope God will show me the way. I believe in God's will and I am honestly hoping for the best. But the funniest thing is I don't know what I am hoping for. I need something but I don't know what I need. I need help I know, but when I ask for it, I don't know what kind of help I need.

I need a purpose, a sense of direction. I need to know where I am going. I need to know which road to take. I guess I don't really need to know what happens at the end of the road cause that takes out the fun in everything. I just want to know that when I do arrive at the end of the road, I am happy and pleased with myself and satisfied. No matter how hard the journey, I will look around, breathe in the fresh air and thank God and all those who've helped me through the journey. I just need a head start, maybe a llittle wind to show me the way, or a light that lights my way or a trail for me to follow. I just need that first step, which is ultimately my decision of what I wanna do. Just need to overcome this, find out what I wanna do and I know deep down I am on my pathway to success. 

All I need to do now is find the first stone. Take my first step and begin my journey. But I need to first DECIDE what I wanna do


fazzy fuzzy said...

hey..seems like v r in the same shoes.. anyways,hope u'll choice the best path for ur life :)

Natasha said...

I can most definitely relate to how lost you feel, because I was in your shoes once. And to be honest, I'm not very much more enlightened about where I want to go and what I want to do, neither do I even know what my interests are. So... yep. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. :)